Forgetting Her
by essenni
Summary: Severus had not been in the fateful place for two years which were needed to accept his loss and face the new life without Lily. A month ago he had irreversibly crossed her out of his life, and today he had come back to the place where he had lost her.


**Forgetting Her**

A gentle breeze blew from the south across the Hogwarts Lake, then up the shore towards the magnificent castle. It laughed lightly, as it shuffled some pages while going through a book, and went further around a towering beech tree, bringing a silent curse word with it and losing it on the way. What it left behind was a skinny eighteen year old boy with oily hair, and a frown that had rarely left his face during the last two years. A branch of the tree was moved by another breeze and let a ray of the spring sun warm the pale skin of the boy. His frown intensified and he moved deeper into the shadow. He flipped through the pages, looking for the one which he had been on; however, he threw the book down on the ground in frustration when he realized that he did not remember what he had been reading. A couple of fifth years crossed the shore of the lake laughing happily, which only made the boy under the tree frown deeper.

Severus had not been in the fateful place for two years. Two long years were needed to accept his loss and face the new life without Lily. A month ago he had irreversibly crossed her out of his life, and today he had come back to the place where he had lost her. He had done it to prove that he had gotten over her, that he could enjoy himself in a place where his previous life had ended. What he proved was that he had been terribly wrong. He could not forget her, not for a day, not for a moment. Everything reminded him of her. Sunlight warmed his heart just like her smile had, the laughter at the lake was so much like hers, even the wind seemed to bring her scent to him.

Severus clutched his left hand and frowned. He had thought that by serving the Dark Lord he would be too occupied to think of Lily and lingering in memories would not make any sense, either. He had always lingered in fantasies, hoping that one day she would understand and forgive, but the moment never came. He wanted to stop his pain and foolishness, so he took the Dark Mark. She would never accept him with the Dark Mark, so by taking it he had crossed her out of his life forever. He had hoped that by eliminating any hope, he would stop thinking of her. However, he lived just not to forget, and he was foolish to think that the Dark Mark would spare him from her. Instead of making his life easier, it only made his sorrow deeper, and now even his fantasies did not have a happy ending.

A girl with red locks and a book in her hand was walking towards the Hogwarts Lake. She giggled softly when the wind tried to lift her skirt and closed her eyes and lifted her face towards the sun, taking in the warmth. She headed towards a tree near the lake, happy to see that she would find solitude there. What she did not see was a boy sitting behind the tree. A well known scent was brought to Severus and he scowled in disgust while his mind became numb. Her scent caressed him softly and teased shamelessly.

"Oh," he heard a familiar sigh and was afraid to lift his eyes. His mind was playing tricks on him as it could not be her. She had avoided him whenever she had had a chance. However, he could not suppress curiosity and met her eyes, the sight of which sliced his heart like _Sectumsempra_ would. Lily lingered, feeling awkward and not knowing what to do.

"Severus, May I sit here?" she finally asked.

Severus forgot how to talk; he forgot to breathe; he was sure that he was dreaming, but he did not want the dream to end. He nodded slowly, and she sat within arm's reach and opened her book. She was flipping through the pages slowly as if losing concentration, but Severus saw no reason for that to be happening. If she could cut their friendship so abruptly and cruelly, then she should be able to sit beside him without any emotion.

Two years had passed since they had last talked, more specifically since he had pleaded her to be sensible and forgive, and she had not listened. He had spent his days from that moment on watching her and remembering all the moments that they had lived through. Nothing else had made sense and he wanted it to stop. After he took the Dark Mark he learned to control the memories. He filled his mind by planning and doing tasks that he was given instead of wasting time on foolish daydreaming about a girl he would never have. However, now, when she was so close, memories flooded his mind, and he thought that he would drown in them and never get out again. By trying to block her out of his mind, he had only made it worse as now the memories that he had suppressed ripped his heart apart with a new force, as if they were alive and fought against being forgotten.

He remembered their childhood, when Lily was so keen to find more about magic and he had felt bright, knowledgeable and admired. Those were his favourite days, when Lily had found him and asked to tell her what he knew about the Wizarding World. Then for every bit of magic that he had given her, she had rewarded him with her soft smile. He remembered the joy when they had gotten their Hogwarts letters. He had thought that it meant that they would never be separated again. What he never realized in his childhood ignorance, was that Slytherins were despised by other houses. What he had heard from his mother was that Slytherins were noble wizards with good blood, and he had thought that it was an honour to be one. He never knew the dark side of the house. If he had been in another house, Lily would not have applied all the Slytherin stereotypes to him. At first Lily said that she did not care about Slytherin; however, he noticed that she did not meet him in public and display their friendship openly. They met only somewhere where no one would see them. Severus did not mind. He longed to be alone with her and believed that it was what she wanted, too, not realizing that she chose those meeting places just not to be seen in a company of a Slytherin.

Another memory came from older years. By that time Severus had realised his love for Lily. He did not have a plan to make her his, but believed that it would come naturally one day. Severus did not see a necessity to hurry as she did not seriously fancy anyone. That time she surprised him. She wanted to talk about relationships and boys. Those were other boys, not Severus, naturally. On one hand Severus was happy that she had turned to him, because that meant high trust, but on the other hand he realized that she did not perceive him as a potential boyfriend. She acknowledged him as a friend, but not a lover. However, he still hoped that one day she would understand his love and give it in return.

A small branch fell from the tree and landed beside Severus. Lily stretched her hand to remove it and accidentally touched his hand lightly. Electricity shot through his body and took his breath away. The one touch which Severus had received was more then he had ever hoped for. It was worth living while he could get a moment like this.

"Lily," he sighed silently. Lily heard him; however, she did not react, only twitched slightly and looked away across the lake feeling uncomfortable. Severus had never stopped hanging around with those nasty Slytherins and Lily did not want to have anything in common with him. She should have found another place. She resumed looking into her book, but Severus's tension was distracting.

Severus felt like he was sitting on a stack of needles. He had so many questions for her, but they all seemed pointless. If he had a once-in-a-lifetime chance to speak to her, he could not waste it on conversations about NEWTS, work or summer. He was wasting precious moments.

He watched her and noticed that she looked happy, despite the uneasy situation they were in. She had shattered his life, but was always happy herself, and he hated her for it. He had tried to hate her ever since she started dating Potter, but could not develop the feeling. Severus could not comprehend how that arrogant prat managed to twist her around his finger and, moreover, keep her to himself for so long. Severus could not believe that Potter never hurt her, but she never showed anything. He should be happy for her, but he could not. Every day he hoped that Potter would hurt her and she would find her childhood friend for comfort. Each full moon he hoped that the wolf would tear James's throat and Lily would be spared from him. And he understood that only the first half of his fantasies was probable. He would never have her no matter what happened, but he wanted to hope. Otherwise there was nothing left to live for.

Lily suddenly closed the book, which she had not been browsing since their touch, and looked deeply into his dark eyes. Severus flinched in anticipation. She wanted to speak with him, she missed him, too. He was wrong again.

"I am going to marry James in the summer," she told him. Severus did not answer, he hoped she knew how he felt and she did, because she averted her eyes just as she saw the pain in his eyes. His suffering was so intense that it had stabbed her suddenly and painfully. Lily had to look away to hide the tears that sprang into her eyes. She was sorry to hurt him, but he did not deserve to know that. Severus saw her turn away and observe the lake. She was not going to talk with him; she had just let him know what he would have found out anyway. However, the news did not hurt as much as he had thought it would. He had known it would happen, and he had tried to prepare himself. However, it had not been necessary. He felt as empty and lost as he usually was. It was not more painful than the two years he had gone without her look and touch. It was one more reason to go on. She had told him personally, she knew that he cared. He still had a reason to hope.


End file.
